I'm happy. I have joy that comes from I don't know where but it's the lens through which I see my world.
It's light and it's beautiful.
There is darkness, there is always darkness. It comes from hurt and trauma and I've learned into my fifth decade on the planet that it's never going to go away.
So there is light and there is darkness and I choose light. I choose.
When choosing light is hard because depression slips into the edges I recognize it. I don't feed it or surrender to it. I have tools and I use them to combat it.
Brene Brown uses the phrase, "the story I tell myself" but it's something I've done my whole adult life. I love how she puts it though.
I choose the story I tell myself.
For me, I'm a romantic.
Sitting here in my living room this morning the rain is softly falling. The birds are singing. The coffee is hot and creamy and the tree promises hope that springs eternal.
It couldn't be more perfect, even if I were on a cozy writers retreat in the mountains. This is just as beautiful.
I tell myself a beautiful, romantic version of the beautiful things in the little moments and it calms my spirit. It sets a tone.
Deep breathing. Calm. Quiet prayer. Stretching. A half hour of cozy before I begin my work day. My busy, stressful workday. Before my phone begins to ring, before I open emails and messages.
I set the course here. I remember that I'll be back here shortly.
My business is thriving and I remember how blessed I am to work for myself, doing something I love. I pause to look at the view of the creek and I'll have that second cup of coffee.
I think I'll listen to Christmas music today.
I'll turn pages in my mind, pages from this beautiful story I'm living, writing everyday. It's a romance, it's a love story, a tear jerker, a happy ending.
The warmth and love wrap around my spirit.
I'm wearing the coziest socks. My messy bun and cute hoodie feel like a post from some instagram influencer as long as I don't actually look in the mirror!
When I was a child, the terrors would come and I was told it was all in my head.
It wasn't intended to be good advice but it turns out that light and darkness, positive, negative, joy and depression is all in my head.
I can't make things go away, but I can choose how I feel, what I focus on and I write the story I tell myself.